Pure Oregon.

Pure Oregon.


My pretty baby. Miss her sooo much!!

My pretty baby. Miss her sooo much!!


I feel completely worthless.
Unhealthy
Unattractive
Obsessive
Undesirable.
I am alone.
Always self medicating
Self loathing
Holding onto the past.
Despising reality.
I set everyone up for failure,
So I can never be burned,
Except at my own hand.
Giving up is too painful,
But I am always drawn to it.
Hanging on by threads is the only way.
I string along
Like a gypsy,
Running.
Running from defeat.
I find value in small things.
I try.
Try to keep waking up,
With the knowledge
That I will never be with you.
I am broken.
By my dreams,
Wishes,
And desires.
That will never be fulfilled.
The pain of rejection kills me.
I have been dead since you gave up.
Since I realized
I can never be what you want.
Hell is real.
I believe.
Feeling love is real.
Loneliness is hell.
Not simple loneliness,
Undesirability is true misery.
Simply being alone is reality.


I have the next two and a half days off. My goals are to sleep, eat, take showers, read, reconnect, and try to have fun.
I just want to stop hurting. I also want to not feel so alone.
I’ve had a really difficult week so far and I am thankful for this time to relax. I have only reached out for help once to my best friend Rudi. I miss her so much…


(via jewsy-kosher)



A Story A Day #232 by M.D.L

A Story A Day #232 by M.D.L

(via mingdliu)


I just want to break myself.


Brain prison

I need relationships and structure to keep myself from falling apart at my own hands.
Subtle structure. That I enjoy.
Right now I am so terrified of people, that I sabotage first encounters.
I also need purpose. Value, based on my worthiness to people and things that I find rewarding.
I need some freedom. I want to express myself, but I am so scared right now.
Anxiety is a big issue for me. Obsessive thinking and trust issues also distort my thoughts.
In the end I just want to be safe.
I want security
And trust
And love.

My problem is that I’ve never experienced it.
And I doubt the possibilities…


I want to be avian.
But I’m just an escapist.


I want to be avian.
But I’m just an escapist.


juliancuntablancas:

nick valensi could wear fuckin crocs and a god damn ed hardy shirt and i’d still murder his ass in bed

(via binkshapiro)


hakunamatuta:

I’m actually really worried that nobody will ever fall in love with me.

(via thisismyurlguiis)


Thug lyfe.

Thug lyfe.


The last couple of days have been really difficult… On Wednesday I saw my new therapist, Tracy, for the first time at 9:30 am. I saw her for about an hour and then I had an appointment on the other side of town with my dietician at 11:00. I had to call, and luckily I was able to push the second appointment back until 1:15. I also called in sick to work for the first time… I felt really bad about it, but I really needed to sleep. I hadn’t slept at all on Monday night or Tuesday. I also cancelled a date I was supposed to go on Tuesday… Anyway, Wednesday my dad and his girlfriend were just pissing Phil and I off to no end, and Phil ended up getting into a fight with my dad… It was tense for a while…
I need to find an apartment for us. Things are just too shitty in this current situation…
I went to work today and I felt a lot better. Talking with the therapist and the dietician was really helpful. I just hope I can stop some of my bad habits and get back on track with things…


Distance only kills the heart…

Distance only kills the heart…