Stevie Nicks kind of night.

Stevie Nicks kind of night.



Con cycle north west.

Waking up and experiencing the day is a luxury.
I resist it for the most part.
Staying in the moment is also a struggle.
I hate that moment,
Drifting towards reality,
From the depths of slumber…
I vaguely sense my existence,
And cringe with the awareness of my body.
My location becomes evermore apparent,
And I putrefy deeper into my pillows.
Forcing myself to resist the Awakening.

I try.
But I fail.
I accept the Reckoning of society,
Calling me back…
I immediately assess priorities.
‘Work?
Appointments?
Pills?
Apartments?’
Lately it’s been work.
I also do an overview of the night before.
Usually I detail the drinks,
Drugs,
Suicidal thoughts,
Loneliness,
And lastly-
Anything good.

I am more accustomed to reconciling the bad.
I don’t spend time celebrating the good.
Either way,
I have accepted my place in reality.

I always feel sick in the morning.
It is always dehydration.
Either drinking, diabetes or both are always the culprit.
I feel nauseous,
Sick from myself.

I buy myself beautiful things.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to live a good life.

I just don’t see anything good happening.
There’s no hope for reality in my actions.
I am excellent at acting.
Especially at work.
When I’m working I can feel hope.
I can access things.

People just make me feel good.
I’m afraid of myself.
I’ve wanted to destroy,
So much about who and what I am.
But I keep living…


Apartments are so expensive in Portland…
I need to work more, I guess…


If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.
Charles Bukowski (Factotum)

Being wide awake at 2:30am, drunk, and high is really fun. It’s too bad I’m alone.
I’m having a really hard time hanging out with people. I usually don’t hang out with new people. Even if they ask me, I just feel like they won’t like me, or I can’t be good enough…
Anyway. I’m drunk, and high, and awake…
I assume I will probably shower, purge, hydrate then sleep.
Goodnight my love.


Ugliness

If only I had been more beautiful.
In every way I am lacking.
I don’t have big boobs.
I don’t have a waist.
I don’t have a nice ass.
I have a furrowed brow,
Thin hair,
Scars everywhere,
And a straight frame.

I am unable to master the art of being sexy.
I am needy.
I am weak.
I am easily scared.
I shut people out at that point.

I am easily hurt.

The vices come through…
I smoke,
I drink,
I dissociate…

I have had no formal eduction since 2010.
I hate being told what to do.
I resist authority.
I hate the system.

Now for the obvious:
I am selfish in bed.
I fear commitment.
I am jealous.

My loneliness becomes my armor.
I dig myself closer,
Closer.
To my innards
To my heart.
Then I am alone.
Safe…


1. In one sentence, who are you?

I am a lost girl.

2. Why do you matter?

I don’t know.

3. What is your life motto?

Live every day.

4. What’s something you have that everyone wants?

Not a lot. Probably a Wu Tang mini skirt and all of the Urban Decay nail polish….

5. What is missing in your life?

Love.

6. What’s been on your mind most lately?

Love. Money. Happiness…

7. Happiness is a ________?

(n) affordable apartment, a nice body, and someone to love you.

8. What stands between you and happiness?

Money, responsibility, love, and weed.

9. What do you need most right now?

Someone to hold me.

10. What does the child inside you long for?

Security.

11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of?

I am unattractive.

12. What’s been bothering you lately?

Money and love.

13. What are you scared of?

Being alone forever…

14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

Pursuing academia, dating, taking risks in general.

15. What will you never give up on?

Michael. Animals. Women.

16. What do you want to remember forever?

Nothing.

17. What makes you feel secure?

Being in bed.

18. Which activities make you lose track of time?

Reading. Drinking. Sex.

19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made?

I’ve made so many…

20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?

Living on.

21. What are you most grateful for?

My mother. my brothers. My friends.

22. What is worth the pain?

Waking up.

23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame?

Love, happiness, health, money, fame.

24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have?

Security.

25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?

Jail.

26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?

Independence.

27. What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years?

Security.

28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now?

Finishing my book.

29. What will you never do?

Be with Michael.

30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?

Live.

31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?

I can’t wake up before noon.

32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not?

Sobriety.

33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self?

Security.

34. What worries you most about the future?

Pain.

35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most?

Being loved.

36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all?

Wanting to die.

37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies?

The success of others.

38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now?

Making it through the day alone.

39. In one word, how would you describe your personality?

Dismal.

40. What never fails to frustrate you?

Loneliness.

41. What are you known for by your friends and family?

Fucking up, probably.

42. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I hurt a lot.

43. What’s a common misconception people have about you?

Probably that I am lazy.

44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

Kill animals.

45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree?

I don’t believe in killing animals for any reason.

46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people?

Being sober.

47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?

Innovation, love, kindness, play, fun, insight, and loyalty.

48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?

Never.

49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of?

Michigan. Lazy summers and cozy snowfalls.

50. What’s the most valuable thing you own?

I put value into everything I own…

51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

The city of Portland.

52. What would make you smile right now?

Hearing from Michael…

53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

Bad things. Or I just sleep.

54. What do you wish did not exist in your life?

Pain.

55. What should you avoid to improve your life?

Unrequited love.

56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

Cigarettes. Kombucha. Veggies.

57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true?

That I am beautiful.

58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger?

Anorexia and bulimia.

59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you?

My mind.

60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today?

Brussell sprouts

61. What are you glad you quit?

Purging.

62. What do you need to spend more time doing?

Knitting

63. What are you naturally good at?

Language, listening, flexibility.

64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently?

Stuff at work.

65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately?

“you should be dead.” “No one loves you.”

66. What’s something you should always be careful with?

Knives

67. What should always be taken seriously?

Suicide. Racism. Love. Sleep.

68. What should never be taken seriously?

Alcohol.

69. What are three things you can’t get enough of?

Sex. The internet. Bukowski.

70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I don’t know.

71. What fascinates you?

Love.

72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living?

Making an effort.

73. What’s something you would do every day if you could?

Fuck.

74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

I don’t know.

75. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Both are awful.

76. What makes you feel incomplete?

Lack of love, food, and spirit.

77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life?

When I fell. When I died. And when I revived.

78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to?

Sometimes I wish I lived closer to Micheal. Sometimes I wish I lived in Japan.

79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people,
what would your message be?

Never kill yourself.

80. What’s something you know you can count on?

Stability

81. What makes you feel comfortable?

A dog

82. What’s something about you that has never changed?

My body type

83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year?

I will be happier.

84. What mistakes do you make over and over again?

Going back.

85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to?

Lust.

86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Settling.

87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does?

Death

88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill?

Happiness

89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation?

Hope

90. What’s something simple that makes you smile?

Beauty in everything

91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life?

obsession

92. How do you know when it’s time to move on?

It hurts

93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time?

Meet Michael, face to face.

94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most?

Nothing

95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life?

Love

Ask me anything. I will answer everything.



and you invented me
and I invented you
and that’s why we don’t
get along
on this bed
any longer.
you were the world’s
greatest invention
until you
flushed me
away.
Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell (via quoted-books)

Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.
Charles Bukowski, Women (via feellng)

Most recently I have been sleeping, drinking, and reading Bukowski.
I like to believe that he is my man. In reality, I would be too skinny and not pretty enough for him. He just seems like he was as fucked up as I am. He likes beautiful women though. Long hair, curvy, short… Everything I’m not.

I’m trying to find places to live. Portland is so expensive. A coworker told me about a place only a few blocks from work that is only $575 for a studio. That is almost unheard of. Usually places in the Pearl go for at least $1,000. I hope he’s right.
Michael and I are still not talking, really… On Thursday of last week I was being awful. I was inciting him. I was lonely. I am lonely. I just want him to tell me that he loves me. I want him to love me like I love him.

It’s just not real.

He loves me in a way I can’t understand. He loves me like a brother would love a sister. I love him like Juliet loved Romeo in that silly play. There’s something between us. It’s his unattraction to me.

I’m not interested in physical attraction like he is. I love him. For who he is, rather than what he looks like.
I couldn’t care less if he shaved, or wore nice clothes, or had a cool car. I want him for his spirit.

I wish I could find someone else…


asisntco:

(Source: tumblrculosis)

asisntco:

(Source: tumblrculosis)


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